If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
