I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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