I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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