My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I intend to get homeless drunk
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
She needs sedatives and a leash
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
