You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
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A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
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I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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