You just made me feel so damn special
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
