Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
