Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
