Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
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Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
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I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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