talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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