I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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