My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
