Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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