I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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