My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
