Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
