I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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