So drunk its hurt
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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