sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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