You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
