last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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