I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
