I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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