Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Just pee around me
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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