Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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