Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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