I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
