Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
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She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
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Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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