I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
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You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
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These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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