I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
