Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
my liver is dry heaving
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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