my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I want her autograph on my taint
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
