she takes plan B like it's going out of style
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
