i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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