Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
