He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
