I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
God, I missed his penis.
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