i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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