I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
