You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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