why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
We're too hungover to prance.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Randomize
