I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
