I met the friendliest cop last night
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
