so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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