I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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