I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
