You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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