Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
