I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
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