It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
