Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
