I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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