I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
