Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
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