Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
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The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
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There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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