Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
