i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Randomize
