woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
